Major spoilers for Sentinel Too in this one. Didn't think I could do one for this episode but I finally did and it was funny how easy it was once I started. Many thanks to all the posters on the discussion lists who through deep and lovely thoughts gave me some kind of handle to work with. A special thank you to Merry for kind words and a once-over on this one. Thanks also to Pet Fly and everyone involved in the show for creating characters cool enough to borrow for a night out. Warning for weirdness. Punctuation minimal. Possibly quite senseless. Slashes indicate speech. Don't archive - just too weird. Feedback welcome but if it doesn't make sense all I can do is apologize. This is the way this one came to me. The Road Back Sis i'm cold, really really cold here - don't like it. wanna go to the loft but can't (why not?) loft's cold and i don't live there anymore. is it wintertime already - what the heck happened to the last couple of months? did i get to my class on time - i know i got my intro in but there was something wrong with it - with me. poor jim - he couldn't understand that I had to write it that way - it's my job, man, just like your job is your job. never thought i'd be spouting that duty honor country business did you - blair sandburg traditional professor type. do the right thing, all that except all that is really jim - always did the right thing. did? is he okay? why do i have the feeling he isn't here? all alone by myself - sounds like a creepy bubblegum song. where's the archies when you need them right? just like cops - cops, now there's a concept, pretty much avoided them most of my life - learned the word 'pigs' at Naomi's knee then meet one and wham bam thank you ma'am they're all over the place, acting like i'm a mascot or their kid brother or poster child for major crimes, really freaked me out to begin with in fact i spent a lot of time freaked with a capital f, or is that the other word, the one my students like to use, the one i hate but boy is it appropriate, 'ole Alex did a number on me, and i am in fact most seriously fucked i think, almost sure in fact because i don't have a clue, a hint, even so much as a vowel man as to where i am or what i'm doing or why i'm all alone because jim, you know, even when jim is pissed he's sorta hanging out somewhere i mean I know, i really know, he'd never just ignore me if i needed it. maybe mad as hell but he's one tough s-o-b and he'd save my life just so he could scream at me at the top of his lungs for about five minutes so i'm somewhere and i really am all alone here nobody to talk to but myself and that could be indicative of a rather serious problem even though it's sorta a habit i've had all my life and darn, it is cold here and somebody needs to turn up the heat not to mention, well, why not mention it, i'm really scared as hell and i wish jim were here even if he didn't do anything but chew my ass out. I need to tell him anyway, i really do, that uh, well, i made some major mistakes, but considering what he said to me already, it's not like it's a secret or anything, i think he sorta figured it out on his own and why should that be a surprise, the guy's not an idiot, in fact he's really smart and i wish i'd told him how smart i really thought he was ecause i think the dissertation thing and all, well, he feels like i'm in that professor mode and he's some kind of dumb old test subject but it's not like that man, jim you gotta know i never saw you that way, well maybe a little to begin with, but then you were just a real big cop and i thought, hey, no problem, i can watch this guy kick some criminal ass and make notes and type it up and we'll both get what we want, i'll get those cool letters behind my name (those stupid letters) and you'll stay on an even keel and be so damn grateful you won't even care what i write down, probably can't understand it anyway. but...guess what. you did understand it and you didn't and it hurt me that you didn't but i hurt you too i could see it in your eyes but it was underneath all this anger (did anybody ever tell you buddy, you can do anger like picasso can paint, i mean you got it down to an art man) but you made me angry too only i can't do it quite as well as you and i knew you sorta had a point but hell, i had a point too (doesn't everybody?) but you were still there, you're always there, and i knew i couldn't lose that even if I had to tear up everything but it would like kill me, you know, because this is what i want, i don't know what else to do with my life, i've worked so hard for this the earth would just swallow me up or something if i stopped 'cuz you know what man, i've always been shorter, and different, but the one thing i was really good at was being smart and always having something to say because i'd just freaking disappear if i didn't have something that was *me* you know because the world is funny like that, it's a freight train and you have to fight to matter, to be somebody, you have to discover something (a sentinel), be something important (a shaman) only i didn't really believe that because i was still outside, i've always been outside, trying to make sense of it all, and i've been doing okay, i'm sure. i can figure out stuff, i've always been able to do that, always... i can't. i can't anymore. hey, jim, you somewhere close by because i'm really having some sort of crisis here. umm, you busy? i know we've got that trust thing to work out but you gotta know you can trust me man, you've always been able to because the only way i'd ever let you down is just because i was colossally stupid or something and not because i wanted to hurt you. God help me, i never wanted to hurt you. i'll admit to being stupid, to being clueless, okay i'll say it, absolutely fucking wrong about so many things but you gotta know man i'd slice my own wrists first before i'd do anything to let you down but i did - let you down i mean. i'm sorry. i'm so sorry. can you hear me? can anybody? it's so quiet here and it's lonely and i just want to forget some of this, and wake up in my own bed and we can go to the waffle house for breakfast or something and it won't be perfect or anything but as long as we're talking (even if you're telling me some of those dumb army stories) we're like okay because i know you listen to me, you've been doing it for almost two years and i do listen to you, all the time but you knew that didn't you? i've just had a little interpretation problem lately. i'll get over it, figure it out, whatever it takes, only talk to me man, okay? don't leave me. jim? is that you? if it is you man, i'm worse off than i thought 'cuz you sound really pissed...or something. your voice is so loud that if you don't turn your hearing down you're going to knock yourself tone deaf. no. what do you mean, no? i promise i'll do better. don't stay mad - i mean even you got to calm down after a little bit. i mean i know we had a fight and all but heck, we were still talking about trust i know i did something wrong i'm working on that, i think it's time i maybe took one of those sabbaticals too - you know like you tried to do (only i didn't really give you a chance did i). so what would you say to that? go ahead, sandburg, let me know when you get back in town, or, hey, wait a minute, can't i go with you or the big one: so long pal. i couldn't take that one i can't i want to do this right, i really want to do it and i want you to know man that i know how important this is. how important you are. it is all about you but it's about me too. i know i'm supposed to be doing more than writing a damn paper and congratulating myself on getting you to meditate but gee whiz man, give me a break, i think i know what you can do better than i know what i can do i don't know how to do this i need help ouch. that hurt. hey, you don't have to beat me to death man, can't we talk about it first? i can't breathe. jim? //Sandburg?// don't yell, please - i have like a massive headache and i can't...hurts hurts. //Somebody do something, dammit!// jeeze, jim, tone it down //Everybody stay back! Just leave him alone.// simon's here too then, oh man, great, why do i have a feeling i must have done something again and in a crowd yet, i can hear megan and that cool accent and she sounds really strung out and brown's just yelling at people and why can't i hear words - i mean they are using words, aren't they? simon and jim sure are, i can sorta hear them because they're real close and they're shoving at me or something and yelling about breathing - God knows they must be breathing, they sure have that volume up and oh wow, i'm throwing up, this is like so embarrassing and the light hurts my eyes, everything hurts and it didn't before and i'm cold and somebody is holding me and crying and - it's jim i've never seen him do that i mean he's not like sobbing or anything but he definitely looks funny only i can't see him so well, can't even hold my head up but it doesn't matter because he's got me and he's telling me it's okay and so is simon and he's patting my arm, the part jim's not got in this grip that is so tight it hurts but i don't care it doesn't matter you know at least jim is here and we're gonna talk like as soon as i can figure out something to say only right now i'm so tired but i believe in him i know what he says is true. it's gonna be okay. we'll figure it out we always have. *****the beginning